It's been a nearly a week since Berkley's birthday and I've been meaning to get to the computer to write about that, but it will just have to wait a bit longer because today is Mother's Day, and I feel drawn to sit down and write about mothers.
Maybe it's because, with everything going on in my life right now, I haven't felt like I've been the most stellar one lately. Or maybe it's because I've been missing my own mother a bit lately. Or maybe it's because motherhood is always on my mind--always forcing itself to the forefront of my mind and heart and soul so that I never forget how important it is, so that I never lay it aside for things that matter less.
To be perfectly honest, it's been a terrible day so far. My husband, in all his sweetness, set an alarm to get up early and fix a nice breakfast for me and clean up the kitchen mess from the night before, but as good intentions often do, his fell through due to the fatigue of the weak catching up to him. The alarm got turned off and he fell back in bed. My children woke me with excitement as they showered me with homemade gifts expressing love and adoration, but that was very short-lived as well. They hadn't even left my bedroom before they were fighting with each other. And the fighting continued throughout the entire morning.
One child had an especially rough day. By noon I'd spent most of the day discipling him and giving him pep talks (which apparently were completely ineffective). No one cooperated or worked to make it a day of peace and love, which are the only two things I really long for. It seemed that everyone was only out for himself and no one was willing to change. It definitely makes this mother stop to think how things ever got so out of control.
The crazy thing is I woke up very early this morning--like 3:30 a.m. early--and thought of how much I love being a mother. I thought of each one of my children individually and what that child has taught me. I tried to imagine how different my life would be if I hadn't had the opportunity of being a mother to these children of mine, and I even tried to think of how different each of these children would be if I hadn't been their mother. Would they be the same? Would they have the same strengths? The same weaknesses? Would they be developing the same talents? Was I really meant to mother these children??
Of course I can't answer these questions for sure, but as I pondered them for a while, I felt certain once again that I am meant to be their mother! Of course I am not perfect at it. I make mistakes every single day. And maybe some other woman would do some things differently--even better--but I do believe that I have what my children need. It's actually quite difficult to explain. I just know that they need ME. Even with all my flaws, all my craziness and all my weaknesses, they need me. They need my faults--my temper, my nagging, my panic when things seem overwhelming, so that they can learn to be wiser than I am. They also need my strengths--my unique sense of humor, my strong desire to do what is right no matter what, my burning testimony of the gospel of Jesus Jesus Christ, and I think most importantly--my dedication to motherhood, because the truth is, no matter how badly I blow it again and again, I never stop trying to be the best mother I can be to these kids that I love so very much. I never stop trying to learn, never stop praying for inspiration, never stop giving it my best effort, never stop hoping, never stop asking for forgiveness. And I just hope, when it's all said and done, that it will be enough.
So maybe today was a horrible day. And maybe tomorrow won't be much better. But I just have to keep working at it. Days like today make me feel like throwing my hands in the air and surrendering, but what good would that do? It certainly won't help my children learn to love and respect each other. It won't help Boston through this difficult stage he is going through. It won't sanctify me and help me learn tolerance and patience and long-suffering, and it won't help our family grow and stretch in all the ways we need right now. And so, like mothers do, I must keep going. I must be strong. I must try harder, pray longer, love deeper and hope stronger that a metamorphosis will occur.
I've cringed every time someone has chanted "Happy Mother's Day!" today, feeling anything but happy, holding back the tears that threatened to burst like a dam down my hot cheeks. So maybe this Mother's Day wasn't the happiest I've experienced; I'm still so grateful to know I am a mother to five children I love with all my heart and that that little fact will never, ever change. Motherhood is the most difficult thing I've ever done or will ever do, but it is also the one that matters most, the one that changes me most, the one that lasts the longest, and so it is absolutely worth it.
Besides, at the end of every day--even the most difficult ones--I am always grateful to know I am a mother!
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| Mother's Day 2014. We look a lot happier than we really are:). Good thing pictures can be deceiving! |
