An Extraordinary Mother

I heard a quote once that has stuck with me ever since. I guess it's more of a personal standard to measure behavior by than a quote, but either way, it's powerful, and it seems to come to my mind in moments of great need and remind me of who I'm trying to become. It is one simple question:

 "What would an extraordinary person do in this situation?"

That's it. Nothing earth-shattering, yet so profoundly appropriate and soul-searching. I can't even remember where I heard or read these words, but they haunt me on a regular basis because I believe this one question can help shape character and mold decisions that will ultimately determine one's life course. At least, that's what this question does for me. Why? Because I want to be an extraordinary person--not by the world's standards, but by God's, as I believe they are two distinctly different things.

I think life presents us with plenty of opportunities to grow or shrink intrinsically through the choices we make. We find ourselves in situations that require self-mastery, patience, understanding, integrity and so much more. We ultimately always have a choice of how to behave under our given circumstances. We can give into our natural tendencies and exhibit inappropriate behavior or we can try to overcome those natural inhibitions and become something much more--someone extraordinary. That is my goal.

As a mother, I have found myself in difficult situations on a regular basis. These situations make me want to scream or throw a fit or slam a door; they make me feel like manipulating my children, coercing them into doing things my way, using fear and power, rather than love and patience. It's very easy to give into these tendencies because, after all, they come without effort. But then a little voice in the back of my mind forces itself to be heard:

 "What would an extraordinary mother do in this situation?"

This question demands I change my perspective and my behavior and become so much more--a mother who really listens, a mother who exhibits patience and faith and love in the most difficult circumstances, a mother who leads and trains by example--a mother who is extraordinary. It's my constant quest.

Nine months ago, I was chosen by the American Mothers Association as the Utah Young Mother of the Year for 2012. What an honor! What a title! What a joke! Seriously. Mother of the Year? Me? It was something I joked about often, especially in times of complete and utter failure on my part to be the kind of mother I felt my children really deserved. And now, here I was, the state's representative of motherhood and all it entails. I shook my head in disbelief often, wondering how it happened. Then, I finally decided if this outstanding organization was going to name me "Mother of the Year," I had better start living up to it.

I have found myself often over the past nine months thinking to myself, "Wait--what would the 'Mother of the Year' really do in this situation? How would she handle it?" And then I would take a breath, pray for inspiration and move ahead more carefully, weighing my words and my actions, striving to lead my children with love and empathy, rather than frustration and coercion. I have failed over and over, but I have also conquered at times. Most importantly, I have felt myself becoming more like the mother I really want to become--an extraordinary mother. I have miles and miles to go, but the journey is rewarding, even if it is long and bumpy and filled with detours at times.

The thing is, I am hoping and striving to raise extraordinary children--not in what they accomplish, but in what they become. As I notice trends in the world and I become aware of attitudes and practices that are opposite from the core values and standards we believe in, I realize how necessary it is for these dear children of mine to be able and willing to stand up for unpopular but moral standards, to exhibit self control and bridal passions in order to avoid harmful addictions, to follow God's laws regardless of the consequences--to be extraordinary.

And so I must somehow become extraordinary myself. How does one become extraordinary? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I think it must have something to do with denying oneself of all the attitudes and behaviors that are negative (such as nagging, hollering, throwing fits, etc.) and developing those qualities that God Himself exhibits--patience, forgiveness, empathy, integrity, self-control and unconditional love. It cannot be conquered in a moment or a year or even many years but is the quest of a lifetime.

And it is my quest.

Because these children are everything to me.

And if I do happen to one day become extraordinary in any measure, it will be because of them.

HALLOWEEN 2012

I am beginning this post with a warning: If you love Halloween, please do not proceed to read the rest!

To all of you moms out there who love this spooky holiday and are great at making it awesome for your kids, I admire you. I have tried to follow suit, but to no avail. I truly wish I shared the same enthusiasm for Halloween as most of the civilized world, but the truth is. . .

I hate it.

I'm serious. I absolutely hate it.

Why, you might ask? I mean, how can someone hate a holiday, especially one that offers so much fun for most people?

I'm not sure I have a solid answer, but this year as I was sitting miserably at a ward Halloween party, pondering those very questions, feeling grumpy down to my bones, I was reminded of something. When I was little, we simply did not have extra money. Therefore, our Halloween costumes were either homemade or made up by finding things around the house and turning them into a costume. I think both are great, and my mom was an absolute wizard on the sewing machine, so she came up with some fabulous stuff, really. But when we left the house, it was pretty obvious our costumes were not as amazing as everyone else's. And I think that's where it started.

I hate costumes. I hate the idea of trying to have the best costume out there and spending money on something so trivial (I know--I'm winning no friends here--please forgive me for being so straight forward). I also hate the idea of knocking on people's doors and asking them for candy. It just feels wrong. Every year as I watch kids bounce around neighborhoods, grabbing fistfuls of candy at every doorstep, I just cringe inside. Whoever gets the most candy wins! I mean, that seems to go against everything I'm trying to teach my children. And during the weeks following this tradition, my kids beg for and fight over candy every spare minute they have. I absolutely hate it. There just seems to be so much social pressure to conform. And then there's the dark side of Halloween--the ghosts and witches and haunted houses and monsters with chainsaws. No matter how hard I try, I just can't understand what is thrilling about those things.

So now that I've been way more honest and direct than I ever should have been, I must say, that even though I despise this holiday, and I inwardly cheer inside every year on November first when I realize it's a whole 365 days until it comes around again, I do want my children to have a chance to enjoy it. Truthfully, my hope is that they won't grow up with the negative attitude towards Halloween that I have.

A couple of years ago, we loaded up as a family and went to a hotel on Halloween night. We played games, went hot tubbing, made caramel apples and watched a movie (not scary) together. It was truly wonderful! Way better than the traditional celebration in my eyes. Unfortunately, it's hard to do that when the holiday falls in the middle of the week, so most years we end up simply conforming and following the crowd, and it never makes me happy.

Okay, I am done complaining, I promise. And I must say that I do love any time I can watch my kids have a good time. And kids are so good at that, don't you think? They don't stop to analyze all the details; they simply join in and have fun. I love that! It's something I need to learn from them. So, here are a few pictures of their Halloween fun this year (btw, we are so lucky--we borrow all our costumes from Grandma Conger, who happens to have a closets and trunks full of amazing outfits that she's willing to share--such a lifesaver!).

Regyn was a hippie girl--I love it!

Boston was a shaggy dog. Never mind that he was sweating to death, he loved this costume, and I'm telling you, when he got down on all fours, he looked like a real dog.

Berkley was a purple dragon--of course I snapped the picture when she was picking her nose!

Hallee was a volleyball player--not very original (she's way too much like me, I'm afraid). Here are these four altogether. Nate was already with his friends, so he missed the group photo. I love their smiles.

Nate with his two buddies--Luke and Luke. 

One thing I will say is that I do think every kid deserves a chance to love Halloween, even if his/her mother doesn't. And so, my main goal for next year is to pretend harder! And if that doesn't work, well, we may just have to book a hotel!

Ten Things I Love About You

My kids aren't perfect; in fact, they each have their own set of little weaknesses and annoyances that cause them to stumble at times and be unhappy and drive others crazy. But they are mine, dabnabit, and I just love them so much it's crazy, and so, although I am more than aware of all their flaws, what I want to do most is focus on all that makes them absolutely wonderful.

As a mother, it's so easy to find myself pointing out their inadequacies on a regular basis: "You left your clothes on the bathroom floor"; "You did not get your work done before school this morning"; "You are whining constantly"; "You're bothering your sister" and on and on. If a child is going through a difficult stage, it's especially easy to find negative things to criticize him/her for. But you know what? That negative feedback just isn't helpful. When I'm having a bad day and behaving less-than-appropriately, it does not help if someone points that little fact out; in fact, it seems to usually only make matters worse. And so, a major goal of mine as a mother is to fill my children with positive affirmations about themselves--not just about their physical abilities and talents--but more importantly, about the goodness of their souls.

We live in a world ready to tear us apart if it possibly can. I feel from the deepest corners of my heart that if my children are going to make it through the slush pile, so to speak, they need to know who they are and use those intrinsic strengths to ignore the jabs and demeaning criticism around them and simply forge ahead in the path they feel they should choose. That means I must help them realize their worth, and then realize it again and again and again.

It sounds simple, right? Unfortunately, I haven't found it to be quite that easy. It's something I think about and work on constantly. I don't just want to toss flowers at my children by showering them with flattering words that produce pride and haughtiness; I want to sincerely praise the qualities they each possess that make them who they really are, to help them see what strength of character they can each develop if they dig deep enough within themselves, to help them focus on the kind of people they want to become and to start the journey of becoming that person today through the choices they make. Not so simple anymore.

About a month ago, I was thinking about my children and the different qualities I loved about each one. All of a sudden, I had an idea. I ran to the computer and compiles four lists--one for each of my older children (the ones who can read). Here's what the lists looked like:

They are nothing fancy, as you can see, but they are sincere and they are positive. I taped them on the ceiling right above their beds so that they could read them every night before falling asleep and be reminded of how much their mother loves them. Life requires me to discipline when needed, to follow through with undesirable consequences, to reprimand at times and do plenty of negative stuff more regularly than I would like, making it so vital for my children to have a deep-seeded knowledge of how very much I love them so they know I am disciplining and correcting and training them because I truly want what is best for them, rather than because I don't like them or because I enjoy being a dictator over them. If there is one thing I hope my children can always say, it is that they always knew their mother loved them deeply.

Now, I must admit a few of the points I mentioned on these papers are actually qualities I am hoping they will develop, rather than ones they've actually mastered. It's not fluff, however. It's something I've seen within them at times--just not often enough. And so I'm hoping if they see it, they will begin to believe it and then they will begin to become it. I guess you could say I believe in "self-fulfilling prophecy."

Right now my four oldest children all share one bedroom, the girls on one side and the boys on the other. It makes for quite an interesting motif, I must say. The room is a combination of sports paraphernalia, flowers, dolls, and pictures of temples--each child's favorite one.

Flowers vs. Sports

Hallee's favorite temple--San Diego (her picture is framed and nice--she got it for her 12th birthday)

Nate's, Boston's and Regyn's favorite temples: Draper, Logan, Bountiful (the paper below the temple pictures is a list of Hallee's goals this year)

So, I'm pretty sure this bedroom will never end up in a home decorating magazine, but I still smile every time I walk in (especially if the beds are made) because it is filled with things I hope my children will always remember and it is home to four little people I love like crazy.

American Mothers Mini-Conference

Ever wondered where your "happily ever after" went? Still trying to make home "the Happiest Place on Earth"? Hoping your motherhood dreams really do come true? (Don't you just love the Disney theme?) Well, you won't want to miss this then.

Below is a flyer about an American Mothers Mini-Conference in Providence, Utah on Saturday, October 27th. I've been to this conference a few times, and it is always wonderful! Seriously. If you can go, do it! It will be worth it. I will be there doing a little demonstration on how to begin a new chapter of American Mothers, so if you are wondering about that, please stop by.

Hope to see you there!

Back-to-School Jitters

Each one of my children is so different.

Where one might love the spotlight, another would rather die than have attention on him/her; where one might be super good at math, another can't add two plus two; where one is responsible, another might need more consistent direction. I used to hate this little fact, wondering why God couldn't just send similar kids to the same family. That way, if the parents happened to figure out how to relate to one child, they could simply follow the same routine for the others. But, of course God is much more wise than that.

He knew we parents had way too much to learn from these different little personalities that enter our homes. And truthfully, I've grown to appreciate the differences in my children and love them for them.

One personality that has been a bit of a stretch for me to relate to is my sweet little seven-year-old. Regyn is a bundle of helpfulness, sweetness, and type A personality all rolled into one. She is also very sensitive (especially if her 10-year-old brother says anything to her at all, and I mean anything), a bit bossy, and man alive, she knows how to put people in their place if necessary. I'd like to say she developed some of these weaknesses from her dear old dad, but I'm afraid they are all a bit too familiar to me for me to pass the buck on these puppies. I too tend to be bossy, sensitive and . . .well, let's just focus on Regyn for a moment.

Who couldn't love this little charmer?

Every school year since kindergarten Regyn has struggled for the first few weeks. It shocks me, honestly, but I can expect a phone call from her at school regularly for the first couple of weeks, complaining of one ailment or another. This year she got really creative one day and told me she had an itchy eye and couldn't possibly be expected to focus on her school work with her eye itching. When I talked with her teacher, she told me her eye looked fine, of course.Ugh! How do I handle this situation?

The crazy thing about it all is that Regyn is a very good student, and she's as friendly and outgoing as ever. She spends hours at home playing "school" because she loves it so much, so it's such a mystery to me to know why she suddenly becomes extremely insecure at the beginning of each new school year, but it causes me so much turmoil. I mean, I don't want to be insensitive to her fears. I want her to know how very much I love her and care about her. I want to be empathetic. At the same time, I know she's physically fine, and I don't want to start habits that could be very detrimental in the long run. I want her to learn to push through uncomfortable situations and do hard things. It's a tough balance.

So, a couple of weeks ago when she was complaining about going to school, an idea came to mind. I told her I wanted her to notice every good thing that happened to her throughout the day and write it on a piece of paper--when the teacher praised her, when someone asked her to play, when she answered a question correctly, when someone smiled at her--everything! Her response? "Mom, people smile at me all the time; it's no big deal."

My response? "Fabulous! Then you're going to have a great day, aren't you?" Sensing her lack of enthusiasm over this idea, I pushed it aside, thinking it would never actually happen. But, thankfully, I was wrong. Regyn came home from school that day and shoved a piece of paper in my hands.

the front

the back

In case you can't read it, it says (in original spelling), "Dear Mom, I love you. What was happy about my day was thet Alli came and thet I came home and thet I got to vollinteer and the teacher said something nice." I absolutely love the picture on the back! It's so simple but it just reaches into the corners of my heart and makes me smile.

Anyway, I was shocked she'd actually completed the assignment. What has shocked me even more is that she hasn't called me from school a single time since! Whether it really has anything to do with the this little project or not, I can't say, but I'm so thrilled she's doing better. And I've decided next year, if this little scenario creeps up again, I'm trying this little exercise first!

And even if I have to help her through this little problem every year until she graduates from college, I just have to say, she's totally worth it!

Family Life

School has officially been in session for one month now, and just as I supposed, life has suddenly become very demanding and crazy. Part of me loves it; part of me hates it. I love the growth I feel when we are being stretched a bit; I love the necessity of working together and everybody doing their part to make it all flow; I love watching my kids do what they love and shine (i.e. sports). Now to the hate part. I hate feeling overwhelmed; I hate dragging my youngest child(ren) around to one thing after another; I hate how it all seems to inevitably turn me into a nagging, stressed-out woman.

That last part is the part that gets me to me the most. I mean, I really don't want to be that person. I want to be calm, in control, loving and kind. I want to handle the pressure and responsibility that always builds up at this time of year with finesse, character and perspective. I want to be amazing.

The problem is, I'm not--amazing, that is. And every time I try to become everything that adjective seems to imply, I begin losing my grip a little, and before long, I'm anything but amazing. So this year I decided I was going to be proactive. I was going to take it one week, one day, at a time. I was going to take a lot of deep breaths, breathe in a lot of chamomile, and glide smoothly through each ruffle that came my way with clarity and ease.

Wow! That sounds a lot like a commercial and not reality at all. The past couple of weeks as pressure has mounted and my personal responsibilities have increased, I've felt it all coming on. Slowly I've started nagging more and more and noticing all that is NOT  getting done, rather than what is. So, this morning I called my children into the bedroom and told them I was going to make a change now--before it gets worse. I reminded them of how much I need them to do their parts so I had the time and energy to do mine. I reminded them of how unhappy we all are when I become the grumpy, naggy witch, and then I tell them all to look me right in the eyes as I profess my love for them. Because, darnit, I love them so much it hurts. Then we read scriptures and get to work.

Yes, I still nagged a bit, but it was a happier nag. The kids all got off to school and I was just about to take a deep breath when the phone rang. It was a friend of mine. She asked me if she had somehow offended me because she felt I had been ignoring her lately. I wanted to burst into a fit of tears right there on the telephone but I managed to wait until after we hung up. Of course she hadn't offended me! She's wonderful and I love her dearly. I tried explaining how life had just becoming so crazy I was hardly doing more than keeping my head above water. She graciously told me she understood and we ended the call. But I felt horrible. I mean, if I have so much to do I end up neglecting people who mean a lot to me, where does that leave me?

The dam  broke and I allowed the tears to flow freely down my face. I thought of all the ways I hadn't been a good friend, a good wife, a good neighbor, a good mother, a good . . .well, you get the picture. I went to my bedroom to throw myself on my bed and cry it all out when I noticed something unusual. The first thing is that my bed was actually made. I have always been very consistent with bed-making, but this week, it hadn't happened once. So, I took note that the bed was made and thought my husband must have done it before he left for work. But then I looked more closely through my tears and noticed a paper on the pillows. I picked it up and read it. Again, the tears stung my eyes as I read, but this time, they were for a whole different reason. The note was from Nate. It read: "From Nate. You are the best mom so I made your bed for you. Love you."

Man alive, I needed that! So unexpected, so simple and so sweet. I was only sad he was gone to school so I couldn't wrap him in my arms and squeeze him like crazy. How could he know how much I needed to have someone tell me I'm "the best"? I sat down on the bed and thought of how grateful I am for these children of mine and how I could never make it without them. And then I thought of all the reasons I'm stressed out and busy and realized almost every reason is because of these kids, and it put it all back into perspective.

First year soccer is a bit painful to watch, but man, does Boston love it!

Here is my 7th grader starting for the 9th grade team. I'm so darn proud of her.

This kid never ceases to amaze me. Man, I love this #20, and boy, can he play football!

(I don't even have a picture of Regyn doing gymnastics, but she is loving that and improving so fast).

Yes, we are busy. Yes, I feel stress at times--too much of it. But we are happy. We are learning and growing together. We are helping one another. We are heavily involved in what matters most--family life--and we wouldn't trade it for anything.

Touching the Temple

I feel so blessed to live in such close proximity to a number of LDS temples. I remind myself often (especially in those moments when my attitude is poor and I don't feel like making the sacrifice to get there) what a tremendous gift it is to be able to go less than 30 minutes in either direction and attend a temple. If we ventured a bit further, our options become even greater. Man alive, I'm thankful for that! I truly love the temple and feel it a true sanctuary of peace and perspective. I have no doubt it blesses my family's life, and I'm even more blessed because my dear husband appreciates it just as much as I do and so we attend as regularly as possible together.

This summer our family looked forward to the time when we could go to the Brigham City Temple Open House and walk through another of these amazing, holy places together as a family. Last November was one of the most sacred, special days of my life as we all entered the Bountiful Temple and had our adopted baby, Berkley, sealed to us for eternity. It was an experience I will never forget. The air was thick with the spirit and I wept constantly from feelings of joy and gratitude so strong I thought my heart would burst. Here was now another opportunity to go as a family, although not for quite as special a reason.

Here was a little brochure about the temple. Isn't it so beautiful?

When we arrived at the temple, it was buzzing with people. My first objective was to somehow get a family picture in front of it. Just my fortune, a dear friend of ours, Cassie White, was there with her family and we ran right into them. Even more fortunate, she's a fantastic photographer and offered to snap some pictures of us with her camera. We were off to a great start!

Following our quick photo shoot, we went around back and got in line. Although it was extremely hot and a bit stuffy, the short video they showed us was a beautiful preparation for going inside. And walking through that beautiful structure with my kids in tow absolutely made my heart soar. I just kept wanting to stop and tell them how much I loved each room and how meaningful it all was. I wanted to take a moment right then and there and share with them my testimony of the sacred work that goes on within the walls of each temple and the blessings and promises from each covenant made. But, of course, there was not time for such a personal experience, so I had to be satisfied with simply walking through and enjoying each beautiful painting and chandelier and feeling in every space. I hoped my children were able to take it all in and set personal goals to go there themselves one day when they are old enough to understand and make promises to God. Oh, how I love my children and husband! To know I can be with them forever is the source of my greatest joy.

After we walked through the tour and refreshed ourselves with some water and cookies, we proceeded to go outside and walk around the outer walls. I remembered hearing a talk once about the powerful spirit that surrounds the temple, both inside and out. I don't recall all the specifics but one thing stuck with me--if our children can even simply touch the walls of the temple, they can feel some of the spirit that is there. I watched my children as they walked around and then I got some pictures that just moved my soul.

That last one is my favorite. Even Berkley is looking up. It is so symbolic to me. Tears stung my eyes as I thought to myself, If I can only teach my children to look up--up to God for all things--they will be okay. My heart took a picture right along with my camera.

We ended the day with homemade pizza at a pizzeria and shakes from Peach City--not at all healthy, but wow, was it all delicious. It was definitely an excursion worth taking. And taking it together as a family was especially memorable. I know many people who aren't Mormons wonder what in the world takes place in these incredible buildings and why only church members in good standing can go inside. All I can say is, each temple is a holy, sacred place of learning--learning about God and His plan for His children and how we can return to live with Him again someday. Our hearts have to be humble and prepared for such tutelage and so it's not open to just anybody, but for whomever does choose to live in a way worthy for entrance and participation, it is oh, so worth it. The invitation is truly open to all. I hope and pray I will always accept it and never take it for granted. I truly love to see the temple!

One more picture of the whole edifice as we walked back to our car. It was such a beautiful day.