Something(s) to Smile About

Yikes! I have so much I want to record and I just can't get to the computer to do it. I keep thinking I will enter a phase in life when I will have the time and freedom to write as much and as often as I would like, but I'm definitely not close to that now. Even as I plunk out a few words now, my time is limited, so I've decided to simply post a few moments I've happened to capture recently that make me smile from deep within, moments that make me to-the-core grateful I am a mother.

First--Hallee. Okay, so looking at this horrible ankle picture, you've got to wonder why on earth this would make me smile. Truthfully, it didn't at first. It made me groan--over and over. Hallee was playing volleyball in a little tournament in practice and came down on someone's foot. It was a pretty bad fall, and I knew immediately she had done some damage. This is what her ankle looked like by the time we got home. Ouch! I took her to the doctor the next day and he told us she had torn a major ligament in her foot (can't remember the name of it right now) and would need to sit out of volleyball for 4-6 weeks. Well, that was horrible news. She had two tournaments coming up in the next two weekends.

Now to the part that's actually happy about all of this. I'm so proud of how Hallee has handled the whole situation. She absolutely loves volleyball and sitting out has been emotionally painful, to say the least, but she has had the best attitude. Not only that, she has gone to the tournaments and cheered her team on. That makes me very happy. Anything that helps build character in my children makes me happy.

The other perk of this injury is that I've been able to spend more time with this girl--something I love--as we've gone to physical therapy together. There's always sunshine after the rain, right?

Here is her foot after a few days. The swelling spread out and man, was it bruised.

Then her toes turned black and blue and looked like they might fall off (they didn't, of course, but she said they felt like they might:)

The other thing about Hallee that makes me smile all the time is how she plays with Berkley. They are so darling together, and Berkley loves this girl, let me tell you. I love this picture where Berkley is trying to do just what Hallee does. So cute!

Next is Nate. I wish I had more pictures of this boy because man alive, he is busy! He has been playing basketball and baseball for months now and is such a little athlete. What makes me smile, though, is how diligent and concerned he is with his school work, despite his schedule. He has been such a great asset to his class this year, especially his teacher, who has had a bit of a stressful year.

We recently had an experience with Nate that made me smile with every piece of my heart. He was feeling a bit discouraged about baseball and began complaining to his Dad and I that he wished he could have more chances to play more positions (he plays center field). We encouraged him to set up a meeting with his coaches and talk with them about it in an appropriate way. He agreed it was a good idea, so Dan set up a meeting and the three of us met with two of his coaches. I told Nate this was his deal and that his dad and I were there to support him, but he needed to do the talking. I wondered how it would go, knowing it would not be an easy thing to do. I also encouraged him to apologize for his behavior the weekend before when he had pouted a few times after striking out. We had had a conversation about appropriate ways to deal with disappointment and frustration and how pouting was never acceptable. I knew I was asking a lot of this kid, but I felt this was a great opportunity for personal growth.

I was so impressed with what took place! We sat down and Nate began the conversation by looking those coaches right in the eye and saying he first wanted to apologize for his behavior the weekend before. I was somewhat shocked, to be honest, but so proud of him. I think his coaches were caught a bit off guard, too, but they talked with him about it and gave him some great advice on how to handle strike-outs in the future and how to be a good leader on his team in regards to this. Then Nate asked calmly where they saw him playing this season because he hoped to be able to develop some new skills and have opportunities to play in a couple of different positions he had been working hard on (like pitching). What ensued was an open and honest conversation about his abilities, what he could work on, and what they all hoped to accomplish this season. Dan and I hardly said a word. It was simply a wonderful conversation between Nate and his coaches. It was open and respectful, and I was just as happy as a mother could be! I hope he remembers this experience so he can always handle things so well.

And here is a picture of Nate pitching in a game recently. Because he has worked so hard at it and expressed a desire to be given the opportunity at times to show what he can do, he has been able to pitch a couple of times, and I have to say, he's done quite well. 

Regyn is next. That girl just makes me smile regularly. She is so upbeat and helpful. I've been extremely grateful for her obedience lately and desire to just be a peacemaker (something my other kids, quite honestly, have been struggling with). Regyn also happens to be very dramatic. This is a bandaging job she did recently on what she considered a major injury. Six bandaids and one wetwipe later, she felt so much better!:) The funny part is that there is only a tiny little floor burn under all those bandaids. I tried my hardest not to say anything about the price of bandaids or the practicality of only using one on such a small owie, but I'm afraid I didn't succeed. Darn! It's a weakness of mine. Maybe next time.

Now to Boston. He jumped on my bed the other day looking like he was fresh from a Home Alone scene--slicked up hair, bathrobe and everything! He told me to take a picture. It was so adorable, I just smiled from ear to ear. Man, I love this kid (even though he's been a tough one lately)!

Here is a close-up of this handsome boy.

I've decided I need a separate post of Berkley. She is just at that age when she does stuff to crack me up every day. Here are just a few moments that have made me smile lately.

She has started posing when I say I want to take her picture. This is her favorite pose.

Is this cute or what? Little ones in towels make me smile.

Berkley loves doing funny faces or funny things with her eyes. She thinks she is so hilarious--and she kinda is!

She loves the frosting on cakes and cupcakes but not the actual cake. Here is her latest frosting mustache.

It cracks me up how early little ones learn about technology these days. Here Berkley is listening to Hallee's Ipod. Again with her facial expression. Makes me smile every time.

 

Lastly, any time my children spend time together (without fighting), I smile from ear to ear. Here are a few shots of such times.

Here they are playing Minute to Win It. The next few shots are of this crazy game.

This really makes me smile. It's Boston with Vaseline on his nose from one of the Minute to Win It games. So funny!

Oh, and I can't forget this guy. He makes me smile every day, he's such a great husband and father. Here is a snapshot of him (or at least the top of his head) during our Minute to Win It FHE. I love it!

So many things to make me smile. And boy, do I love to smile!

When Your Best is Inadequate--but Enough

It's been a while since I've been able to get to the computer to write. Life is busy, of course, but the main reason I have been MIA, so to speak, is that I have not been well. For the past three months I have struggled with a couple of health issues that have made life so much more difficult than normal. The good thing about phases like this is that they always make me appreciate the strong, healthy body I usually have and the ability to take care of my family.

Thankfully, none of my problems are life-threatening or long-lasting, but I mention them because I have struggled to feel adequate in my efforts as a mother and wife the past few months, often feeling weighed down with thoughts of failure and disappointment that I have not been as attentive, as consistent, as patient, as fully committed to our family system as I usually am. I think these feelings can creep up so easily and begin to destroy our self-worth, making us feel like we are not enough, when in fact we are.

In January, my neurologist put me on a new medication to try to prevent migraine headaches. It sounded so great to think I could live a life without constant head pain, but after only a few days on the medication, I realized the remedy might be worse than the original problem. I experienced every side effect possible, including numb hands and feet, dizziness, shakiness, dry mouth, stomach cramps, inability to think clearly, and more. After only one week I told my husband I wasn't sure I could deal with it all. I promised myself I would give it a fair shot, however, and would continue the medication for at least one month.

It was not easy. I found myself being exhausted by 5:00 p.m., and if I sat down for any period of time, I would immediately fall asleep. I had to literally force myself to keep going until bedtime. I had to force my mind to think through the fogginess and mentally talk myself through times when I thought I would pass out, like when I was teaching Relief Society lessons. My life was not the same.

On top of this new medication, I was experiencing acute abdominal pain almost daily due to ovarian cysts that kept forming and rupturing. Some nights I would be in severe pain, wondering if I needed to go to the Emergency Room. I never did go; I just talked myself through each experience, reminding myself I made it through the last one and could do it again. I went to my doctor numerous times (Dan went with me each time--he's so wonderful in that way, so caring and involved), and we would spend a lot of time discussing options, trying to decide what to do. His approach was to exhaust every option before doing a surgery to remove everything. I thought being cautious was a good idea, but when the options we tried did not help at all, we decided surgery was necessary.

Last week I had a hysterectomy and a removal of my left ovary as well. I hope this isn't too much information to share on a blog, but it's hard to share my thoughts without being straight forward about what I've been dealing with. I spent one night in the hospital and then came home to heal. Holy cow! Let me just tell you, it is not an easy surgery to heal from. Many women who had experienced hysterectomies told me I was going to be down and out for at least a couple of weeks and to not overdo it, to just be patient. I listened. But, to be honest, I just thought I would be different. I have had many surgeries and have bounced back from each one without a hitch. I was sure this would be the same.

Wrongo!

I have hardly been able to function at all, spending most of my time on the couch or in bed. Just a few days after surgery, I got a migraine. This was the second one in less than two weeks. I stopped taking the medication--cold turkey--which I do not recommend (one is supposed to gradually wean off of it).

Needless to say, I have been quite miserable. And needless to say, I have not been at the top of my game as a mother and wife--not even close--for the past three months. All of these health issues have worn me down and made life so much more difficult. I had so many days when it was all I could do to endure the day and cover the basics, let alone go the extra mile. And because of this, little by little, I have felt worthless and discouraged, knowing my children need more of me than I can give them.

I guess I'm sharing all of this because, as uncomfortable as this whole experience has been, I am learning some things that I think are so valuable. And the most important one is this: We can only do our best--sometimes our best is absolutely amazing and sometimes it's barely adequate, but if it's our best, it's enough! When life is good, and I am healthy, I can be the consistent, focused, present, patient, on-the-ball mother I feel my children really need and deserve. When life's circumstances intrude and I am struggling with health issues, my best may only include the barest important basics of the day. Either way, I am enough.

It's so hard to remember that. I see my children slowly unraveling due to my inability to be fully engaged like normal, and it's easy to blame myself and feel discouraged. I've had to constantly remind myself that I will heal, I will regain my strength, and I will be able to mother in full force again. Until then, my children will be okay. Yes, they will probably have an adjustment period where they must be reminded of what is really expected; and yes, it will probably take some time and serious effort to get everything under control again. But we will get through it.

I want to write all of this now, when I am weak and struggling, so I can remember clearly this important truth. And I want my girls to know it wasn't always easy. I want them to know I battled discouragement and inadequacy at times, but I got through it, and so can they. I want them to read this and know that they are enough, even when life seems to shout they are not.

I feel so blessed to be healthy most of the time and able to take care of my family. I know there are women who struggle with far bigger health issues, ones that never go away, and my heart goes out to them. I know I will heal and I will regain my strength, and I am learning to really appreciate that. I also have tremendous gratitude for the many people who have stepped in and helped our family--with dinners, child care (my three youngest children went to Wyoming for 5 days, being cared for by my sister and parents), cards, flowers, and more. The service rendered has helped significantly! I am so grateful for an abundance of wonderful people in my life!

Life is good. There is always so much to be grateful for. But when times are a little tough and I am less than I want to be, I hope I can remember I am still enough!

This is pretty much what I've looked like for a week. Yesterday Berkley fell asleep and snuggled up to me. It was heaven. I thought she would be mad at me for leaving her in Wyoming for nearly a week, but when she got home, she smothered me over and over with kisses and just kept repeating, "Mama." It was the sweetest thing ever!

Help Them Aim High

I have always felt that one of my main purposes as a mother is to help my children reach their fullest potential. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I didn't fully understand the full measure of that responsibility until my children started growing up and their personalities started developing and I began noticing all they were capable of. The amazing thing about it is that this process began much earlier than I ever imagined it would, when my children were small. I never expected to notice certain gifts in my children when they were young, but I have found children these days to be truly amazing and it has not taken years of maturity and life experience to bring out some of their strengths, however simple they may be, such as a kind heart or the gift to forgive easily or perhaps the ability to lead others.

President Henry B. Eyring, First Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints shared an inspired message on the topic of helping our children aim high in this past October General Conference. He explained how every person has been blessed with specific gifts and encouraged parents to help children recognize the spiritual gifts with which they are born. He says this, "Every person is different and has a different contribution to make. No one is destined to fail." I love that statement! He then encourages us to help our children aim high.

President Eyring said we as parents need to build our sons' faith that the Lord can transform them into servants "braver than the timid boys we see." Isn't that a powerful thought? He said the greatest gift we could give our youth is to hold the goal of eternal life as families out in front of them. He talked about his daughters, too, and said when he prayerfully sought guidance, he was shown ways to help his "daughters recognize the trust God had placed in them as servants who could build His kingdom." He explains that "God loves each of His children as individuals and sees great and unique gifts in each of them"  and tells us as parents that we "will be inspired to help others discover their special gifts from God."

President Eyring shared one way he helped his own children to aim high. He carved personal inscriptions on boards for his sons, with carefully selected scriptures and special dates carved into each board. The boards were designed to help each son see his spiritual gifts and what he might contribute in the Lord's work as he grew older.

I loved this idea! Not being much of a carver, however, I wondered what I could do to help my sons--and my daughters--understand their intrinsic value and have a desire to serve the Lord. I have noticed certain attributes in my children that endear me to them, attributes I feel the need to help them develop deeply and turn into strengths that can be used in the service of God and others. The question is, how do I help my children understand these qualities and help them have a strong desire to develop them?

An idea came to me when I was in Hawaii, of all places, on a little vacation away from my family. While at the Polynesian Cultural Center, I came across a booth that was selling bracelets that had names inscribed in Hawaiian. The draw was that a person could have a bracelet made with their own name inscribed (even with original spelling) in the Hawaiian language. I thought this was pretty cool, but I had a better idea! With my children in mind, I chose an attribute for each child and had that attribute inscribed in Hawaiian on a personally chosen bracelet. The downside was that I was not feeling well and could hardly think straight. It seems like a simple task to come up with a single word to describe each of my children, but I'm telling you, it was anything but easy. I wanted the perfect word for them, the one word that would help shape their very souls and their futures, and so I racked my brain (and my mother-in-law's, who happened to be with me at the moment) until we finally came up with five words--one for each of my children. Looking back, I probably would have done a couple of them a little differently, but all in all, I think it was successful, and hopefully there was some inspiration involved.

First is Berkley: Her word is "Makana," which means, "the gift." She is such a gift in our lives, I couldn't help but put this inscription on her bracelet.

Next is Boston: His word is "Wiwo 'Ole," which means "Courage." My hope for him is that he will have the courage to stand up for what is right and the courage to be the young man God wants him to be.

This is for Regyn: Her word is "Manaoio," which means "faith." To me, faith is one of the most important attributes needed in the world today. Without it, one just won't make it. With it, there is power to do and become anything. Faith in God and His Son makes all the difference. Oh, how I hope for this in my sweet daughter!

This is Nate's bracelet: His word is "Koa," which means "warrior." This was not hard to choose for him. I have always seen him as a warrior, a warrior for the truth. ( I love the little warrior guy that is in scripted by the word, btw).  

Lastly, Hallee: Her word is "Pono," which means "virtue." I had a hard time choosing a word for her because . . . idk. . .I just wasn't sure what fit best. But then it just came to me. Virtue. A trait that seems to be fading in the world today. I thought of my sweet, beautiful daughter, and I chose this word.

Then later, in a special Family Home Evening, we talked about President Eyring's message. I shared my love for each of my children, calling them up one by one, looking each of them in the eyes, and presenting them with a special bracelet with their inscribed word. Along with the bracelet, I had made laminated scripture messages that went along with the attribute. I told them to put the scripture in a place they would see it often and remember their special gift.

These pictures are all out of order, but you get the idea.

Nate's word is WARRIOR,  and his scripture describes the Stripling Warriors in the Book of Mormon (remember his poster from Christmas of the StriplingWarriors? So fitting). I love the attributes of these young men (valiant, firm and undaunted, obedient, courageous, thought more of others than themselves, etc.) and feel if my son could possibly develop these in any way, he could make such a difference in the world. He seems to be born to lead, and these are the attributes of a good leader. I talked to him about being a warrior for truth and righteousness, no matter what was happening around him. I hope and pray he can become this kind of young man. It won't be easy.

Regyn's scripture was about FAITH. There are lots of scriptures about faith, but for some reason, this is the one that felt right to me. It's from the Book of Mormon again.

This is Hallee's poster from Christmas, too. It's of Esther. She stuck her scripture in the corner of this, which was pretty fitting, if you ask me. 

Hallee's word was VIRTUE. I just love this scripture! So simple but so profound and powerful! It's found in Proverbs.

Berkley's scripture is about GIFTS. Berkley is such a gift in our lives that I couldn't help but make her a bracelet that said "gift." I found these scriptures in the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants that talk about gifts, and I thought they were perfect.

Boston's word was COURAGE. This scripture was about the Stripling Warriors, too.  I love the word "valiant" and think it goes along with courage so well, especially when talking about being courageous in doing what is right. Oh, how I hope my children will develop these attributes!

Truthfully, I'm not sure Boston totally caught on to how important the whole concept/experience  really was (although he's taken excellent care of the bracelet), and it wasn't exactly the completely silent, gigantic spiritual experience I always hope for as I mentally plan these events, but I will tell you that the experience with Hallee was worth it all. I called her up and told her about her word, "pono," which means virtue, and I read her scripture to her about a virtuous woman being worth more than rubies. I told her how absolutely beautiful she is--inside and out--and how virtue is so hard to find in the world today, but I knew if she would remain virtuous, the Lord had amazing things in store for her. I told her how very much I loved her, and the tears just streamed down both our faces, the air thick with love and the spirit. It was one of those sweet, tender moments you never want to forget.


Now, of course this little gift is only one small step in the journey of helping my children understand who they really are and who they are meant to become, but I'm so grateful for every time I get some sort of inspiration that moves us in the right direction. Nate left recently for a baseball tournament in Phoenix  AZ and it was great to say, "Son, remember who you are. You are a warrior," and I knew he knew exactly what I meant.

I've been told I'm a bit intense and that it's possible I expect too much of my children. Maybe it's true. All I know is I look at these kids of mine, and I see all they are capable of, and I know I can't let them down by being too casual about things of great importance. I just can't. And so I plan to do all I can to help them aim high because . . . well, I just love them so darn much and I know they can do it!

Here they are modeling their bracelets (ok, "modeling" might be a strong word, but you get the picture:).

Because Even Moms Need Breaks Sometimes . . .

. . . to Hawaii!!

Yes, that's right! This year for a little "Girls' Retreat" my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law and I decided to go for the gusto and we all met up in Hawaii for a five-day get-away. I can still hardly believe we made it happen. It's usually hard enough to get away for one night just to go to Park City or something. I had joked this year that we should go for a weekend to Denver, where one of my sisters-in-law lives, and that seemed almost too much to hope for, so to think we pulled off Hawaii is pretty darn amazing. It's all possible because my dear mother-in-law dares to dream, and I love that about her. She isn't afraid to think anything is within reach. She and my father-in-law had already planned a Hawaiian cruise, which led to their daughters meeting them in Hawaii for a few days at the end of the cruise, which led to all of us women meeting my mother-in-law there for five days of fun! I won't share all the details. I'll just let the pictures do the talking.

The first few days of our trip we stayed up north on the island of Oahu, on Turtle Bay.

This is how I felt about being there. I was so excited to wake up to the sun! It just felt so refreshing to see and feel the sun every morning after months of harsh winter in Utah, let me tell you. And I was excited to be going to the beach. It had been a while. 

This was the view out our balcony. I got up early every morning and read scriptures and just basked in the beauty. It was a great way to start the day.

A little closer view. I sent this picture to my husband and he was so jealous we were staying on a golf course.

If you're going to be in Hawaii, you might as well drive in style. I felt so out of my element, but decided to just go with it:). It was fun to just let go of my normal practical self and have fun with the girls for a few days. 

Playing  beach volleyball. To me, it doesn't get much better than this. 

We met this gold medal Olympian (winter Olympics--she's a skiier) from Australia (second from left) and she was so sweet, we had to get a picture with her. I wish I could remember her name, but I am brainless these days. What are the chances, though?

Got up early one morning to go to the temple. It was perfect timing for me because on the way there I  found out my grandfather had passed away. I was so grateful to be in this holy, sacred place for a while and ponder his life and also the reality that because of temples and the sealing ordinances that take place there, families  can be together forever. 

I love the words on the temple: "Holiness to the Lord-The House of the Lord"

Spent a lot of time on different beaches. It felt so good to relax.

There is just something so soothing about the warmth of the sun.

We also tried some boogie boarding, which I always love, although I've gotta say, California waves are best for boogie boarding. Still had a blast, though.

We are some of the best food ever while there! This was from a Thai place call Opal's Thai. It was a food experience, let me tell you! This guy just ordered the food for us and we had no idea what we were going to get. I was pretty nervous about it, but was fantastic food!

My sister-in-law Jen made us this amazing oatmeal for breakfast with fresh fruit in it in the morning. I thought it was fabulous! We were so spoiled.

Did I mention we swam with turtles? I took this picture with the turtle right  in front of me. I was worried it was going to snap at my legs any minute. Hence, it's not a great picture!

I realize these pictures are getting all out of order, but here we are eating at the Polynesian Cultural Center. Honestly, I don't think the food there is great, but visiting the PCC is always an adventure. I wasn't feeling well that day, so I couldn't really soak it all up, but it's definitely a cool place to experience.

The last couple of days of our trip we went to a super nice resort right on the beach called Koa Olina (pretty sure I spelled that wrong). Below are a few pictures of the resort. It was pretty amazing--way nicer than I am used to, that's for sure.

One of the most amazing things about Hawaii are the sunsets. Because we were staying right on the beach, we caught a couple of amazing ones. I just never cease to be in awe at the beauty of all that surrounds me. In Utah, it's the mountains. In Hawaii, it was the foliage and the sunsets.

So, all in all, I was gone from my family for six days. I don't think I've ever done that before, and although I'll admit it was a nice break in a lot of ways, I must say, I was more than ready to come back home. The last couple of days I was antsy as ever to get back. I even called the airline to see how much it would cost to change my ticket and come home early. I know how crazy that sounds, but man alive, I do love home.

Here is a message I wrote in the sand and sent to my husband and children while I was gone.

I also learned something while I was gone. I've always taught my children that our home was a safe place, a place where they could always feel love and security, no matter what else happened in the world around them. I've told them that if they had a rough day out in the world, they could know that they would always come home to two parents who loved them like no one else on the planet and siblings who had their back and were on the same team. I've meant that, of course, and have hoped it would help my children through some rough days when kids at school might bully them or when they might face disappointment--or whatever it might be. I just never considered that I might be the one who would need that "safe place."I had an experience in Hawaii that was really tough, and I was alone and I felt like I would break. I just yearned to be home in that "safe place," where I knew I was loved and accepted, despite all my flaws as a wife and mother and person, but instead, I was a whole ocean away from the people I needed most. And it was so, so hard.

When Dan pulled up by the curb at the airport and my kids jumped up from behind the seats to surprise me, I wrapped my arms around them all at once and cried the biggest tears of joy and deep, deep gratitude that they are mine and that they love me. Oh what a blessing it is to be loved!

And so, although I totally think moms need breaks sometimes--even amazing breaks, like Hawaii vacations--I just have to say, I think I am happiest right here at home, in my "safe place."