Back to the Basics for Summer

I have found myself ignoring my blog every year when summer comes around. It's not that I have nothing to record; quite the opposite is true (I have tons to record!), which is why I feel such angst about not getting to the computer to write. I desperately want to note activities, events, moments and feelings about our lives during the summer; but, on the other hand, I also crave the freedom to do nothing but spend time with my kids, being a slave to no other responsibilities, people or objects, including the computer. I'm never quite sure how to handle this contradictory pull on my time and heart. If only my thoughts could automatically appear as words on a screen, without the effort to boot up the computer and type it all. . .

Anyway, I have spent the past month deep in thought about my role as a mother in my home. Truthfully, I've regularly fought feelings of discouragement and self-loathing about the kind of mother I have been the past few months. Two surgeries in six weeks time definitely took a toll on my energy level and ability to function at high rates, but even so, I have just felt that somehow my focus was not lazer-like in any sense of the word and that I was not giving my best to my family.

If there is one thing I have learned over the past 13 years, it's that it's nearly impossible for me to stay at the top of my game all the time; after all, I am human and full of all sorts of weaknesses. And then there is simply that thing we call "life" that throws curve balls and makes life more difficult at times. So, I try to use wisdom in assessing myself in regards to motherhood, taking everything into consideration, realizing that my best looks different at varying times, depending on life situations. Still, it never feels good to me when I am not connecting with my husband and children in meaningful ways, when I am simply going through the motions and not really focusing my energy on the meat of what matters. And so, I have decided to get back to the basics. To simply let everything else go and focus on the small, significant things like hugs, sincere praise, time with each one, listening with my eyes, ears and heart, expressing love over and over, expressing patience constantly, etc.

And I've blocked out all the sounds around me to simply be in the moment with Dan and my kids, and it has awakened me to a sense of what a joy it is to be a mother to my kids, a wife to my amazing husband; at what a blessed life I have; of what a huge, amazing responsibility lies on my shoulders to lead and nurture and love these kids of mine into becoming all the Lord intended them to be. It's been overwhelming, humbling and motivating all at once. I know it won't happen this week or this month or even this year, but it is the consistent, daily effort of a lifetime. And lately, that has seemed too short a time as I see my children growing up right before my eyes and I fear they will be gone before I've taught them everything that seems important, experienced everything with them my heart desires, and shared my love and admiration of them in enough times and ways to know they are certain of it and will never doubt or forget it. It is overwhelming to think of all that lies ahead and how quickly it will pass, so instead, I choose to love today and to live it the fullest way I know how.

Three weeks ago I found myself in the backseat of our car, driving home from an AAU West Coast Championship volleyball tournament with Hallee and Dan. I opted to sit in the back since my knee was throbbing from being cramped in the front seat. I closed my eyes in an effort to rest, but instead I found myself eavesdropping on the conversation taking place in front of me. It all started when Dan asked Hallee, "Do you know what HOV stands for?" I had to laugh to myself at this futile attempt to make conversation with our 13-year-old. Is that the best he could come up with, I sneered inside. But, as usual, Dan would prove me to be a fool, because Hallee actually took the bait, and thus ensued a fascinating, enlightening conversation between father and daughter, and I felt privileged to be listening in.

(Pictures of the tournament. Our team ended up 5th overall. It was such a great end to a very successful club season.)

Hallee's first attempts at accurately stating what the acronym means were quite hilarious, if only I could remember them all. I expected Dan to simply tell her the answer, but he is so much more patient than I am. He finally led her to figuring it out on her own, and then the conversation turned to other seemingly meaningless questions they tried to find the answers to. My favorite was when Hallee asked why certain things had to be so expensive. Her idea was that everything should cost $10. Dan pointed out the error in her thinking by asking, "What if you owned a car dealership? How would you stay in business if you sold cars for only $10?" I chuckled when Hallee's reply was, "Then you better sell candybars, too!" It's such a rare and priceless thing to enter the thought processes of children!

As I sat in the back seat and just listened--really listened--to my husband bond with our teenage daughter, my heart was full. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I realized for the bazillionth time how much I love these two amazing people in my life. Dan, with his wisdom and patience and utter goodness; and Hallee with her innocence and optimism and sweetness. I soaked it up for hours until we pulled into the driveway at home, and I made it to my room to fall on my knees and thank God for such priceless gifts in my life.

This led to the next week in Bear Lake at the Nate Family Reunion. I was in charge this year, a responsibility I am glad to say will not be mine again for five more years. My whole family got together at a cabin in Garden City and had a wonderful time. I never ceased to be amazed at the love the cousins have for each other. They are best friends, and it warms my heart completely. Then, to be with my siblings and their spouses and with my parents for a few days, away from all other responsibilities, was definitely a treat. The highlight for me, though, was gathering everyone around to read through some "Get to Know You Better" questionnaires I had asked everyone (5 years old and up) to answer and hand in before the reunion. I would read through the questions and answers and everyone would try to guess who it was. Although we are a close-knit family, we learned some valuable and fun information about each other, and it bonded us in valuable ways. My heart felt so full.

Boston climbing up the log pillars. This cabin was rustic and fun.

Kaybree, Martin and Mireya all ready to tie-dye their shirts.

We tie-dyed t-shirts. Had no idea what we were doing, but it was fun.

 I got this idea to take some picture frames up there and let people use them to take some fun pictures. They turned out great!

Regyn and Mylee

Kyson, Olivia, Mireya and Boston. Are these cute little cousins or what?

Michael, Hallee, Kaybree. Gotta love Michael's silly face!

Berkley really got into it.

My five kids. Man alive, I love these crazy kids!!

Dan and I tried it, too. Not as cute as the kids, but just let me say, I love this man!

Regyn doing handsprings into the pool.

Berkley did everything I did. It was so funny.

Nate, Hallee and Jasmine. 

These three 2-year-olds are only weeks apart in age. They are so adorable together!  (Brylee, Makyla and Berkley)

These two are especially good friends. 

Brylee was loving this, as you can see:)

These darling girls got all tuckered out (Mylee, Regyn, Kaybree and Kamille)

I even got these two girls being silly (Halle and Jasmine). Isn't the lake beautiful in the background?

These smiles are priceless!

We rented these bikes and had the best time! It was great exercise.

Makyla and Berkley on the front of the bikes. Berkley was all about that ice cream cone!

From there Hallee and Regyn and I traveled to Green River, Wyoming to coach and participate in a volleyball camp there. How I loved the time with my girls! Regyn is only eight, but she is spunky and competitive and all kinds of fun. I enjoyed watching her try to do the difficult skills we were teaching and trying to win the drills. Hallee actually helped coach the camp this year, and it was incredibly rewarding for me to see her pass on her volleyball knowledge and skills to younger girls. It seems like just a blink ago she was one of those little 8-year-olds, just learning to play.

After four days there, I was so homesick for our family to be all together again. I longed to hold all my children in my arms and tell them how much I love them. I longed to hug Dan and tell him how much I appreciate all he does for our family. I guess it's true that "distance makes the heart grow fonder." I must say I prefer to grow a fonder heart right at home, however, and realized again how much I appreciate being a mother who is home. I truly love home!

I wish I could remember each meaningful moment over the past few weeks, for there have been many. I wish I could recall every funny, clever thing my children have said, because there has been a lot. But darn it, they fade so easily and my mind loses words so quickly that I cannot write them now. All I know is that when I take a step back from all the demands of life to listen and see and feel all that is mine, I feel blessed beyond belief.

Now back to my agenda for the day: building a fort with my kids, watching Hallee participate in a volleyball camp, dropping Nate off at baseball practice, taking two sick kids to the doctor, going on a bike ride with Boston, Regyn and Berkley, exercising with Dan, listening to two of our children teach us an important gospel principle in Family Home Evening, snuggling in bed with my kids for a while to read a chapter  in our family read this summer, dropping into bed happy and grateful for the simple pleasures of family life.

Nothing fancy, but incredibly fulfilling. It's the life I always dreamed of, and I don't want to take it for granted. I may not always be the type of mother I think I should be, but I feel hopeful that if I can just do the basic, most important things every day--loving, laughing, listening, building, appreciating the moment--there will be fewer regrets. And that, to me, seems awfully good.

Berkley--2

It is so hard for me to believe my little 4 lb, 13 oz miracle baby is now two years old! I mean, seriously, where have the last two years gone?

It's been a blur, let me tell you. All I can say is that since this child entered our home and our family, our lives have never been the same! She breathes happiness and delight into our very core, and we couldn't imagine our family without her.

Sometimes, when I take a minute to really ponder the absolute wonder of it all--how Berkley became a part of our family--it humbles me and fills me with a deep sense of gratitude for the immense goodness of God and his desire to bless our lives, for I am certain this child was part of our family long before we ever existed here. In fact, she fits in so naturally, I forget she was adopted at all. If it wasn't for her wild afro curls and her chocolate brown skin, I would have a hard time being convinced I didn't give birth to this beautiful little girl. She has felt such a natural part of our family and our world, and I will never forget the first time I saw her and held her in my arms and realized she was familiar to me.

And now she is two years old! And a very active, strong-willed, spirited little girl, let me tell you. She keeps us all on our toes. She loves to climb and jump on the tramp and sing and dance. She loves eating chips and popcorn and cookies and anything else that isn't good for her. She has the most wonderful hug on the planet--with both arms clasped tightly around your neck in the sweetest squeeze. She is especially crazy about four kids--her siblings--who would move the world for her if she asked them to. She is a tease and a flirt and a handful, and I'm so, so profoundly grateful she is mine.

Here are a few birthday pictures. She didn't understand what it was all about, but she sure enjoyed the attention, the balloons, the cake and the gifts.

We went to the park as a family recently and snapped these photos of Berkley. I am so glad I thought to throw this little bench in our car (I really hoped to get some shots of her since she had just turned 2) because she loved sitting on it and "posing" for the pictures. To me, she is one of the most beautiful creatures ever!

I will forever be grateful to Berkley's birth mother who made the decision to give her up so she could have a complete family. And I will never be able to thank God enough for the inspiration, the courage, the faith He blessed Dan and I with to adopt. It was definitely one of the most difficult decisions we have ever made as a married couple--one that took the utmost faith--but it was also one of the most rewarding decisions we've ever made together as well, for this little girl is one of our choicest blessings!

The Writing on the Wall

You just never know when something very ordinary (like some foam bath letters) can turn into something kinda great. Who would have ever guessed when we gave Berkley some foam letters for the bathtub for Christmas this past year that the rest of our family would end up enjoying this gift more than Berkley? I mean, seriously, we are talking about some silly foam letters.

I'm not sure when or how it started, but one day I got in the shower and found this one the shower wall:

Wow! That's about all I could say. I had no idea who had posted it or why, but I have to say, it made me smile all day. I mean, who doesn't want to be "1 Hot Mom?" I asked everyone in the family who left me such a fabulous message, but no one would fess up to it. I must have made a big enough deal about it to arouse interest, however, because pretty soon I was getting notes on a regular basis.

I'm not going to lie--I was loving this new practice in our home! I found myself looking forward to my shower just to see if there happened to be another fabulous message on the wall, saying how wonderful I was!

Then one day, it occurred to me that maybe I should return the favor and allow someone else(or a few someone elses) to feel fabulous for a change (I know, I should have figured this out sooner--I guess I was enjoying the praise a little too much:). So I wrote this:

The kids loved this, of course, and so they wrote back:

I know this sounds utterly ridiculous, but these messages did so much for me! I mean, life tends to kick the air right out of a person on a pretty regular basis. And let's face it, motherhood can be especially grueling at times, so it just felt so good to hear (or in this case, see) some positive reinforcement from my kids. Not that they don't get frustrated with me regularly and roll their eyes at me and tell me all the things I'm doing wrong, BUT at the end of the day, I think they really have tender, loving feelings toward me, and I am so grateful for that.

Here are a couple more messages I happen to love (you must keep in mind that when spelling with only   alphabet letters--one each--and the numbers 1-10, the spelling has to get creative sometimes:)

I'm not sure what "Amazingo" is exactly, but I'll take it!

So, I was enjoying this little banter back and forth with my kids so much I could hardly stand it, until one day I was showering away with a huge smile on my face and another revelation occurred to me: maybe my husband would like to be included (duh)! So, I thought and thought about what meaningful thing I could put on the shower wall that would tell my husband how much I loved him. To simply write, "I love you, Dan" or something was too obvious. No, it had to be something better. Finally I had an idea, and I have to say, I was pretty proud of what I came up with:

Sometimes the notes were just thoughtful little messages like this one that Hallee left before Dan and I went on a baseball trip with Nate to St. George:

I had to respond, of course:

Then, after my surgery, I found this sweet little message on the wall:

So simple, but man alive, it meant a lot to me. I have noticed my children starting to pray for each other and for me, and it just touches my heart so deeply. This was almost as great.

Here's what I wrote back:

Sometimes, the letters were even used to apologize:

I love it! Who would ever believe that a family could come up with a way to write some of the sweetest, most loving sentiments of their hearts to each other using something as silly and simple as foam bath letters?

The last message I wrote was just a few days ago, and it said this:

Although my kids are far from perfect and they drive me absolutely crazy at times, I truly feel they are awesome kids, and man alive, I am grateful they are mine! Mostly, I am grateful for family life--the little moments of joy, the satisfaction of growth, the tiny perks that make life so good.

And let me just end by saying, if you need a little way to spice things up a bit in your home and start some positive communication with each other, I have the best idea--foam bath letters!

Something(s) to Smile About

Yikes! I have so much I want to record and I just can't get to the computer to do it. I keep thinking I will enter a phase in life when I will have the time and freedom to write as much and as often as I would like, but I'm definitely not close to that now. Even as I plunk out a few words now, my time is limited, so I've decided to simply post a few moments I've happened to capture recently that make me smile from deep within, moments that make me to-the-core grateful I am a mother.

First--Hallee. Okay, so looking at this horrible ankle picture, you've got to wonder why on earth this would make me smile. Truthfully, it didn't at first. It made me groan--over and over. Hallee was playing volleyball in a little tournament in practice and came down on someone's foot. It was a pretty bad fall, and I knew immediately she had done some damage. This is what her ankle looked like by the time we got home. Ouch! I took her to the doctor the next day and he told us she had torn a major ligament in her foot (can't remember the name of it right now) and would need to sit out of volleyball for 4-6 weeks. Well, that was horrible news. She had two tournaments coming up in the next two weekends.

Now to the part that's actually happy about all of this. I'm so proud of how Hallee has handled the whole situation. She absolutely loves volleyball and sitting out has been emotionally painful, to say the least, but she has had the best attitude. Not only that, she has gone to the tournaments and cheered her team on. That makes me very happy. Anything that helps build character in my children makes me happy.

The other perk of this injury is that I've been able to spend more time with this girl--something I love--as we've gone to physical therapy together. There's always sunshine after the rain, right?

Here is her foot after a few days. The swelling spread out and man, was it bruised.

Then her toes turned black and blue and looked like they might fall off (they didn't, of course, but she said they felt like they might:)

The other thing about Hallee that makes me smile all the time is how she plays with Berkley. They are so darling together, and Berkley loves this girl, let me tell you. I love this picture where Berkley is trying to do just what Hallee does. So cute!

Next is Nate. I wish I had more pictures of this boy because man alive, he is busy! He has been playing basketball and baseball for months now and is such a little athlete. What makes me smile, though, is how diligent and concerned he is with his school work, despite his schedule. He has been such a great asset to his class this year, especially his teacher, who has had a bit of a stressful year.

We recently had an experience with Nate that made me smile with every piece of my heart. He was feeling a bit discouraged about baseball and began complaining to his Dad and I that he wished he could have more chances to play more positions (he plays center field). We encouraged him to set up a meeting with his coaches and talk with them about it in an appropriate way. He agreed it was a good idea, so Dan set up a meeting and the three of us met with two of his coaches. I told Nate this was his deal and that his dad and I were there to support him, but he needed to do the talking. I wondered how it would go, knowing it would not be an easy thing to do. I also encouraged him to apologize for his behavior the weekend before when he had pouted a few times after striking out. We had had a conversation about appropriate ways to deal with disappointment and frustration and how pouting was never acceptable. I knew I was asking a lot of this kid, but I felt this was a great opportunity for personal growth.

I was so impressed with what took place! We sat down and Nate began the conversation by looking those coaches right in the eye and saying he first wanted to apologize for his behavior the weekend before. I was somewhat shocked, to be honest, but so proud of him. I think his coaches were caught a bit off guard, too, but they talked with him about it and gave him some great advice on how to handle strike-outs in the future and how to be a good leader on his team in regards to this. Then Nate asked calmly where they saw him playing this season because he hoped to be able to develop some new skills and have opportunities to play in a couple of different positions he had been working hard on (like pitching). What ensued was an open and honest conversation about his abilities, what he could work on, and what they all hoped to accomplish this season. Dan and I hardly said a word. It was simply a wonderful conversation between Nate and his coaches. It was open and respectful, and I was just as happy as a mother could be! I hope he remembers this experience so he can always handle things so well.

And here is a picture of Nate pitching in a game recently. Because he has worked so hard at it and expressed a desire to be given the opportunity at times to show what he can do, he has been able to pitch a couple of times, and I have to say, he's done quite well. 

Regyn is next. That girl just makes me smile regularly. She is so upbeat and helpful. I've been extremely grateful for her obedience lately and desire to just be a peacemaker (something my other kids, quite honestly, have been struggling with). Regyn also happens to be very dramatic. This is a bandaging job she did recently on what she considered a major injury. Six bandaids and one wetwipe later, she felt so much better!:) The funny part is that there is only a tiny little floor burn under all those bandaids. I tried my hardest not to say anything about the price of bandaids or the practicality of only using one on such a small owie, but I'm afraid I didn't succeed. Darn! It's a weakness of mine. Maybe next time.

Now to Boston. He jumped on my bed the other day looking like he was fresh from a Home Alone scene--slicked up hair, bathrobe and everything! He told me to take a picture. It was so adorable, I just smiled from ear to ear. Man, I love this kid (even though he's been a tough one lately)!

Here is a close-up of this handsome boy.

I've decided I need a separate post of Berkley. She is just at that age when she does stuff to crack me up every day. Here are just a few moments that have made me smile lately.

She has started posing when I say I want to take her picture. This is her favorite pose.

Is this cute or what? Little ones in towels make me smile.

Berkley loves doing funny faces or funny things with her eyes. She thinks she is so hilarious--and she kinda is!

She loves the frosting on cakes and cupcakes but not the actual cake. Here is her latest frosting mustache.

It cracks me up how early little ones learn about technology these days. Here Berkley is listening to Hallee's Ipod. Again with her facial expression. Makes me smile every time.

 

Lastly, any time my children spend time together (without fighting), I smile from ear to ear. Here are a few shots of such times.

Here they are playing Minute to Win It. The next few shots are of this crazy game.

This really makes me smile. It's Boston with Vaseline on his nose from one of the Minute to Win It games. So funny!

Oh, and I can't forget this guy. He makes me smile every day, he's such a great husband and father. Here is a snapshot of him (or at least the top of his head) during our Minute to Win It FHE. I love it!

So many things to make me smile. And boy, do I love to smile!

When Your Best is Inadequate--but Enough

It's been a while since I've been able to get to the computer to write. Life is busy, of course, but the main reason I have been MIA, so to speak, is that I have not been well. For the past three months I have struggled with a couple of health issues that have made life so much more difficult than normal. The good thing about phases like this is that they always make me appreciate the strong, healthy body I usually have and the ability to take care of my family.

Thankfully, none of my problems are life-threatening or long-lasting, but I mention them because I have struggled to feel adequate in my efforts as a mother and wife the past few months, often feeling weighed down with thoughts of failure and disappointment that I have not been as attentive, as consistent, as patient, as fully committed to our family system as I usually am. I think these feelings can creep up so easily and begin to destroy our self-worth, making us feel like we are not enough, when in fact we are.

In January, my neurologist put me on a new medication to try to prevent migraine headaches. It sounded so great to think I could live a life without constant head pain, but after only a few days on the medication, I realized the remedy might be worse than the original problem. I experienced every side effect possible, including numb hands and feet, dizziness, shakiness, dry mouth, stomach cramps, inability to think clearly, and more. After only one week I told my husband I wasn't sure I could deal with it all. I promised myself I would give it a fair shot, however, and would continue the medication for at least one month.

It was not easy. I found myself being exhausted by 5:00 p.m., and if I sat down for any period of time, I would immediately fall asleep. I had to literally force myself to keep going until bedtime. I had to force my mind to think through the fogginess and mentally talk myself through times when I thought I would pass out, like when I was teaching Relief Society lessons. My life was not the same.

On top of this new medication, I was experiencing acute abdominal pain almost daily due to ovarian cysts that kept forming and rupturing. Some nights I would be in severe pain, wondering if I needed to go to the Emergency Room. I never did go; I just talked myself through each experience, reminding myself I made it through the last one and could do it again. I went to my doctor numerous times (Dan went with me each time--he's so wonderful in that way, so caring and involved), and we would spend a lot of time discussing options, trying to decide what to do. His approach was to exhaust every option before doing a surgery to remove everything. I thought being cautious was a good idea, but when the options we tried did not help at all, we decided surgery was necessary.

Last week I had a hysterectomy and a removal of my left ovary as well. I hope this isn't too much information to share on a blog, but it's hard to share my thoughts without being straight forward about what I've been dealing with. I spent one night in the hospital and then came home to heal. Holy cow! Let me just tell you, it is not an easy surgery to heal from. Many women who had experienced hysterectomies told me I was going to be down and out for at least a couple of weeks and to not overdo it, to just be patient. I listened. But, to be honest, I just thought I would be different. I have had many surgeries and have bounced back from each one without a hitch. I was sure this would be the same.

Wrongo!

I have hardly been able to function at all, spending most of my time on the couch or in bed. Just a few days after surgery, I got a migraine. This was the second one in less than two weeks. I stopped taking the medication--cold turkey--which I do not recommend (one is supposed to gradually wean off of it).

Needless to say, I have been quite miserable. And needless to say, I have not been at the top of my game as a mother and wife--not even close--for the past three months. All of these health issues have worn me down and made life so much more difficult. I had so many days when it was all I could do to endure the day and cover the basics, let alone go the extra mile. And because of this, little by little, I have felt worthless and discouraged, knowing my children need more of me than I can give them.

I guess I'm sharing all of this because, as uncomfortable as this whole experience has been, I am learning some things that I think are so valuable. And the most important one is this: We can only do our best--sometimes our best is absolutely amazing and sometimes it's barely adequate, but if it's our best, it's enough! When life is good, and I am healthy, I can be the consistent, focused, present, patient, on-the-ball mother I feel my children really need and deserve. When life's circumstances intrude and I am struggling with health issues, my best may only include the barest important basics of the day. Either way, I am enough.

It's so hard to remember that. I see my children slowly unraveling due to my inability to be fully engaged like normal, and it's easy to blame myself and feel discouraged. I've had to constantly remind myself that I will heal, I will regain my strength, and I will be able to mother in full force again. Until then, my children will be okay. Yes, they will probably have an adjustment period where they must be reminded of what is really expected; and yes, it will probably take some time and serious effort to get everything under control again. But we will get through it.

I want to write all of this now, when I am weak and struggling, so I can remember clearly this important truth. And I want my girls to know it wasn't always easy. I want them to know I battled discouragement and inadequacy at times, but I got through it, and so can they. I want them to read this and know that they are enough, even when life seems to shout they are not.

I feel so blessed to be healthy most of the time and able to take care of my family. I know there are women who struggle with far bigger health issues, ones that never go away, and my heart goes out to them. I know I will heal and I will regain my strength, and I am learning to really appreciate that. I also have tremendous gratitude for the many people who have stepped in and helped our family--with dinners, child care (my three youngest children went to Wyoming for 5 days, being cared for by my sister and parents), cards, flowers, and more. The service rendered has helped significantly! I am so grateful for an abundance of wonderful people in my life!

Life is good. There is always so much to be grateful for. But when times are a little tough and I am less than I want to be, I hope I can remember I am still enough!

This is pretty much what I've looked like for a week. Yesterday Berkley fell asleep and snuggled up to me. It was heaven. I thought she would be mad at me for leaving her in Wyoming for nearly a week, but when she got home, she smothered me over and over with kisses and just kept repeating, "Mama." It was the sweetest thing ever!